Sometimes issues cannot be tackled with professional interventions alone. When it comes to personal effectiveness, it is actually always about behaviour. And we learn behaviour throughout our lives. I often use the metaphor of the sandbox. If you put two two-year-olds in the sandbox and one wants the other’s shovel, a two-year-old has roughly two behaviours ready. Take the shovel away and ignore the other’s resistance, or start crying and hope that your father or mother will come to help. Over the years, you learn more behavioural alternatives and your preferred behaviour is also formed.
Your preferred behaviour is not necessarily determined by what happens, but by your thoughts about it. Thoughts about yourself, about the other person or about the situation.
For example, should you actually take a step forward in a sales conversation? Then it will work better if you have helpful thoughts and feelings: it really makes sense that I am now taking a step forward, I can really make a very nice bridge to what I know, I am enjoying this conversation, I can afford something, he or she will certainly appreciate that, it’s an appropriate moment in the process, etc. On the other hand, you can also have thoughts that prevent you from taking that step forward: modesty is a virtue, I will just let him or her talk, I don’t think I can add anything sensible, I’m a bit wary of his or her sharp reaction, this is not the time, I will do it next time.
For all these thoughts, you do not notice them (just like that), because 95% of what we do is unconscious, but these thoughts are there.
In coaching, we usually do two things:
- We practice more effective behaviour, on the spot. This often has to do with effective communication and positioning. There are many patterns and regularities in this and therefore more possibilities for influence than you might think.
- Secondly, we look at the thought structures that underlie your behaviour. Awareness of this starts the conversation with yourself. What do you want to be guided by? And what do you want to let go? And how do you do that? Only then can you also anchor a more sustainable behavioural change.
And then, then you can go back into the sandboxes of the working world with more alternatives 😊.
